thanks everyone. i'll try. i'll really really try. i guess i have a tendency to act out. because i find it really hard to verbally conceptualise what is going on for me. just figuring out what is going on for me (what i'm feeling and stuff) is a major mission. then, once that is done there is the major mission of being able to express that instead of acting it. mostly my fear of expressing it is fear that the therapist will try and make me restructure it or something. that the therapist will get defensive or something. but... he is repeatedly NOT doing that with the things that i do manage to express to him. so... i guess i should really give this a shot.

its really hard though.

i wish... that the feelings weren't so very intense. the intensity makes it hard.

trying not to get lost too... being able to state the little kid feelings (alone, hurt) and feel them without getting lost in them. being able to state the abandoned / angry feelings without getting lost in them (and trying to make him feel bad). being able to talk about my desire to remove myself from him and not care anymore to prevent future hurts.

to do it in a way that is respectful of his decision to take time off. to be able to hold understanding of the reasonableness of that...

i don't see how to hold them all in mind at the same time. my mind... simply isn't big enough. and the different aspects don't seem to occur to me when they should. i mean... the reasonableness stuff is supposed to occur to me to help PREVENT me getting lost. but the trouble is it just doesn't occur to me and so i get lost. i don't know. so confusing. sorry.