(((skies_))) I can empathise. Just recently came very close to ending (and not simply due to being angry). I felt as though my heart was breaking and I needed to get out while I still could. Like you, I felt (still feel) trapped, very much attached (insecurely I guess) and needing but wondering how it all comes good in the end, and if it ever will. I also feel him as alluring and sometimes sadistic... in keeping me but not loving me.

Yes, lots of layers and confusion. It sounds as though you've really been through it recently - I wonder if you're on the brink of a shift/progression? Perhaps this is a bit of resistance before the shift? x