Over the years, I've mood charted fairly regularly, with spells of going off track. For me, they are very useful in time recollection (otherwise I have no idea when anything happened or how long it went on). When in a spell of non-charting, I'll have flashes that I really should be. There have also been times when BF "suggested" I re-start (no doubt hoping for my enlightenment that things have been worse as a pattern than my overly in-the-moment brain realizes).

But lately (and certainly not for the first time), I've fallen off doing it because of serious doubt that I have any kind of accurate perception of where I am. I've been told I have good insight, but…. I dunno. Sure, I can usually tell situational from endogenous when things go wonky, but where on the wonky map I am isn't always as easy to figure. Though I hadn't brought it up, the other night BF was describing one of my manic-y traits. Not only did I not recognize that there was a pattern of this thing happening mood-congruently, but if you'd asked me when this trait happens, I'd have guessed depressed(!)

Now, if I'm really depressed, or bouncing off the walls, I know it. But there's a whole lot that proves elusive in defining. I suspect this is because there's quite a bit of dysphoric (hypo)mania or agitated depression going on. (I know people often do, but I don't want to called this mixed. After having actually experienced a long and true mixed episode, I just can't. Hell is hell. Anything short of that, no. It'd be misrepresentation. Overstatement.)

Despite not being at either extreme, it's not "normal" either. (Definitely not.)

It's like a blackout on the radar. A compass gone twirly. At an appointment, "So, how are you doing?". Brain tumbleweeds and silence. No idea.

To those that can relate to this…. any tips for getting a reading on my bearings? Determining where I am? Any tips for (self-) recognizing when it is happening?