Chipper, I want to respond to your last paragraph.

I am NOT willingly having sex with him when I don't want to. He forces himself on me. Sex with him is not a choice I get to make. I tell him NO. I try to fight him off. That only seems to make him more violent...and turn him on more. I've learned to 'just lay there and take it' because it's going to be done no matter what I say or do. It is not a matter of thinking I 'owe' it to him.

What you said about "re-living the past to have an outcome we can control". That resonated with me...I think you may be right that I SUBCONSCIOUSLY have done just that. As for marrying him...I did not WANT to marry him. By the time he decided on marriage, the abuse was already in full swing. When he said we were getting married and I said no, among other actions, he held a loaded gun to my head and told me what would happen not only to me but to my child if I didn't comply. We were married an hour later.