Whoaminoone, this did trigger me a bit because what I went through was similar. Although my child sexual abuse did not last as long as yours and I am beyond sorry that happened to you.

My exhusband was pretty much the same way. We met in highschool and he boosted my self esteem which I had none. We were together for quite a few years and i would try to split up with him, but always took him back. Then I got pregnant. People told me not to, but I didn't listen I thought he'd change. Yeah, right. He did the exact same thing. Extreme verbal, mental, some physical or it was so bad when he did he would threaten me or tell me that he would kill or cut up my pretty face and threaten my daughter. He did alot of hard drugs. I worked and paided all the bills. And he would just take money without telling me, sometimes I would have to borrow money so we wouldn't be on the streets. I cannot imagine how horrifying and scared you were when he held a loaded gun to your head. I never endured that just crazy knives.

What people don't understand when they think oh you can just leave him, you are scared and for life and your kids. It's the furthest thing from easy.

Also about sex you can't not make it happen when they force themselves on you. I just realized not that long ago until my current husband told me that he was raping me. I thought since we were married it wasn't rape. That's how much I was in denial.

Looking back on it now I see he was almost exactly like my dad except my dad made money except for a few years. It's crazy if you think about it. But when you've been abused you most likely have a relationship with someone who will abuse you. I've read alot of books that say this. And Open Eyes may have a point with chemicals. Something changes in you when you've been abused. And they tend to fade as you get older.

Again I am so sorry that you have to endure such continued abuse. You are a wonderful women who was abused and f***ed with in the head. And to have to deal with all the flashbacks while being triggered takes alot of courage because they are horrifying.

I am so sorry about your mom. Do you have a support system that could stand by you when you can finally get the hell away from there? Even if its not soon when you decide that this is enough. When I finally did after 12 yrs, 7 married. He wouldn't accept it. Made my life hell. I gave him the house and everything I owned pretty much just so he would leave me alone. Yeah right it took months before I finally got the strength to get an order of protection. When you do that too you can put the kids on it as well. There can't be any contact. He'll be super pissed but you are too precious to kept getting retraumatized.

Mine kept bothering me for a long time but it was worth it down the line because I could still be there.

Is there a women's shelter in your town if you need to go to one?

And please, please, please remember you didn't do anything IT IS NOT YOU'RE FAULT!

You need to be able to heal from all this pain.

:Hugs & Lots of Love and Support: