So much of your post mirrors some of my feelings I have had. I had times I wished for death. Then you go thru the guilt thing for feeling depressed because it's easy to look around and see others who are worse off. Depression is a mean monster and it does mess with your mind. I agree it would be helpful to see a psychiatrist and counselor. If possible get all the help you need because life is worth living. Life is also worth living in a sense of peace. Best wishes to you.