Idk who the **** I am!!! Like even as a kid when I didn't have this disorder I was still super weird like I didn't have a personality! I never talked and felt awkward playing pretend and it was hard for me to have fun. I'm the same way now except for I'm so numb to everything. Like idk what's funny it what's not funny I kinda just laugh at whatever to make conversations seem light but I can never put the positive in a situation and when I do it feels forced. I think about my disorder a lot especially on bad days. I do weird things like match my walking pace with peoples pace when they slow down so do I when they speed up I do too. My therapist pointed this out to me so I'm guessing it's weird to do that. I don't have my own intentions like idk what I feel like doing i could literally just lay in one spot and exist and that's all I really feel like I doing I don't have a purpose anymore. I can't form relationships with anyone bc I can't connect with myself or them. That's my main issue not connecting with myself I'm like a stranger to myself and instead of getting to know myself I ignore myself. I can't even say what I wanna say when I type this. It's so frustrating like all I wanna do is feel my emotions and know what my intentions are and go off of that!!! This isn't hard stuff but I've made it so complicated for myself. Oh and the weirdest part is I can't feel anything that I take!!!! Like I was on 300mg of Wellbutrin and never felt it. I snorted 40mg of adder all and didn't feel a thing! I wasn't anymore alert or energetic. When I drink I can take endless shots and still feel completely sober it pisses me off and kinda freaks me out like it just defies how things are supposed to work. I wanna be out on anti anxiety meds since anxiety is the root of depersonalization but I'm afraid I won't feel the effects and I'll be stuck in this rut forever. [emoji17]