I've been having a really really rough time the past few days... the past week in fact.

Several things here in "the real world" triggered me and although I have been able to get some important things done, make a few calls, etc... I am back to seeing everything negatively and I have just been depressed, anxious, and not sleeping well once again.

The forclosure on my house becomes final in 5 more days and that has me anxious too. I am trying to work out an alternative but don't know if I will be able to. I had some good news on that front last weekend but today I am back to despair and hopelessness. I don't have any sort of plan at all in place if I should lose my home and I can't even begin to think about what I would do.

My triggers this week include the monthly company newsletter but some aspects of that made it particularly grueling. When I got the material and went through it I just about broke down... I had to leave and cry for a while. I recomposed myself and I am hoping to finish it today so I can be done with it before the weekend.

I've also tried calling the bank today reguarding my foreclosure and they can' t help me at all, even with general informatioin (they tried) because their computer systems are down. Even before calling I have been kicking myself for not taking care of this sooner. I should have gotten a lawyer as soon as the papers were served instead of waiting for two weeks... especially since there is a 35 day "countdown" from the day the papers are served. Then I should have done the things he asked me to do right away instead of waiting an additional week to summon up the strength to do so. So now here I am with all of my options researched, but with only 5 days left no real time to implement any of them.

I've felt negative about this already but now the computers being down makes it worse. If I had even called yesterday maybe they could have helped in some way, and today I can't even get through. I have to try again later today.

Along with all of that I still keep allowing myself to be triggered by the people in my life who make promises but don't come through. It is causing me to isolate myself from whole groups of people because I don't want to deal with the few who have hurt me, and the others aren't "close enough" friends to know the situation or be a part of any type of solution.

I did see my T yesterday and talked about all of this. I was in a very jovial mood when I was in his office but today I feel "crashed and burned" once again.

This is a long day... it has been a long week.

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