My T also is working with me using IFS. I am identifying my managers, exiles, and firefighters. I won't go into my family too much other than to say, I recognize now that I was abused because I was the one who wouldn't fight back, I kept secrets, and no matter how hurt I was or how much I was being hurt, I still kept it together to take care of other members of the family. Even after the SA ended in the family dynamic, I still accept abuse and actually seek it out and it's that very thing right there that makes me feel sick and ashamed and guilty. It makes me feel like I not only asked for what happened to me as a child, but I welcomed it and in some sick twisted way, I am re-enacting it. So, I never took out my abuse on anyone but myself, but I feel that I am deserving of my self abuse so I don't feel bad for hurting myself.