I am having a hard time accepting that my T. really cares about me - it seems she's changed. When my mom was sick, she allowed me to text with her, texted sweet things, etc. After my mom died, she allowed me to keep texting. In June - she wouldn't respond all the time but most of the time. She told me she may not always respond esp if she doesn't understand or thinks it should wait until session. She told me to text anytime and I'm one of the few she texts with. In late June we figured I had maternal transference towards her. In July I texted once how upset I was and she wrote back something that made me feel better. In August, she didn't respond and I got upset. I told her it was the first time she had never responded and I was really upset at the time. She said texting can be complicated especially with transference.
Last week I told her I feel things have changed. She asked if I thought she was caring, etc. back in May/June (before transference) and I said yes. She asked what had changed and I mentioned the texting changed.
She said due to the transference, I've been looking for ways she's letting me down, not caring, etc. I had figured this out a week before and she's right. However, I just can't let this go. I feel like she's pushed me away and, in a way, I'm being punished for being honest that the lack of response hurt me. Now, I am only supposed to text for appointments. Keep in mind, she doesn't text or email with any other clients.
I hate to keep bringing it up to her but I just can't get past it. I keep telling me the transference is what is blocking me from feeling the caring/compassion/etc in sessions. I feel like if I can get secure in our relationship, then in between sessions will be easier and I can open up more. Last session was great and I felt the best I've felt this past week. This is the one issue that keeps coming up in my head/heart.
But, I feel like I'm beating a dead horse....