I'm so sorry yr struggling so much right now...yr not a fraud by any means. You are brave to be in a career that demands so much detail. I could never do that so kudos to you. It's always scarey changing med providers. I love my pdoc but recently he said he couldn't help me with any med changes. Well it landed me in the hospital and then to the hospitals iop program. Needless to say I saw the pdoc there and she finally helped get me on a new med. We tried a few but this last one totally stabilized my depression. I'm on alot of meds as it is. I'm bp2 and just started cymbalta. I tried lithium and it did nothing for my depression. I kept trying to tell her that I needed a new anti depressant and she finally listened. I'm not trying to just talk about myself...I'm trying to convey that I understand how hard it is to change meds especially when yr not feeling stable as it is. It doesn't sound weird at all that you feel connected here...we're all here for eachother. :-) please pm me anytime...I hope you do. Depression is so hard and luckily you don't have to do it alone. Things will get better trust me. I was where you are for almost the last two years until I started the cymbalta. It's only been two weeks and I'm feeling better everyday. Please keep the faith. I'd love to be here for you. Hugs