You're not alone in this - I think I know what you mean. I also want to die all the time yet some of these times I don't feel like I'm "justified". Often I beat myself up for entertaining these self-destructive thoughts and even welcoming them instead of wanting to become better. It's almost as though I seek depression because it's more familiar than normalcy.

I've come to realise that this is depression speaking, not me. If I recall far enough, I've had pretty ****** growing up years and while I may have been angry, sad and oppressed I've never harboured suicidal thoughts. Deep in my memory I know there is a difference between what I feel when baseline and what I feel when depressed/hypomanic (I'm bipolar). However, the depression overwhelms one's good senses and convinces you that you're making things up, but ultimately "normal" i.e. non-depressed folks don't obsess over suicide like us.

Please see your university counsellor and take care!