Jannie, you know I can't believe I completey forgot the conversation on monday I had with my T. I told her about my past suicide attempts and said that I think they were mainly an attempt to be loved, that I felt if I was dead then I would finally get the love I have been searching for. T said that it was sad that I felt the only way I could be loved was if I was dead!. I guess thats why I drank for so long, I was slowly trying to kill myself hoping I'd reach etopia, accept it can't be reached through death, and I am blindly missing all the love I am getting in this world, for some reason I won't look at it, its not safe to see it alive but dead? well I feel safe then, but of course thats wonky thinking but I wouldnt be in therapy if I thought straight.