I feel the same in some ways but not to do with college currently, dropped out of that a few years ago never to return....not sure what to really say, but i get the thing about not having committed suicide because you don't want to hurt people around you with it and cause them pain...but on the inside its just too much and the concern of how it will eventually catch up. Thus far I try to find distractions and have gone to the ER twice when I was feeling very likely to act on thoughts...so if need be I try and force myself to do that or tell someone like told my therapist one time because I didn't think I'd follow through with getting to an ER myself both times I had anxiety about the whole psych ward thing...but guess it was better than the alternative.

As for the college stuff they'll find someone else for the positions you took in those clubs, so try not to feel too guilty about that. I couldn't complete college because it was too much stress and now am on SSI, but if you're still functional enough for potentially working maybe a technical school or something might be a better fit since I think its more hands on based than acedemic a lot of the time.....SSI kinda sucks so I don't really recommend that unless you really, really cannot attain/keep employment. There are options even if the college doesn't work out so I if that is any consolation try and keep it in mind.

Not so sure the not talking about stuff is a macho guy thing, lol maybe but I am female and don't like to talk about my problems or feeling bad IRL...I will get on places like this and vent for some outlet part of it is as a kid I got a lot of shame and guilt tripping if I tried talking about problems. Of course it comes out other ways like I might be irritable at people(which I hate).