This is my first post on this site or any for that matter. Four years I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 after being placed under a code 5150 and put on a 72 hour hold. After being on meds for a few months I stopped all my treatments, as I was convinced I was merely depressed and I did not have bipolar. Since then I have tried anti depressants on and off, as well as self medicating with substances. I recently seeked treatment again after I accepted that I was indeed severely bipolar. Now I'm facing up to what I've been doing all these years

I'm married, my wife and I have been together eight years. We have a five year old son. She stays at home with him and I work. While she is imperfect in her own ways like everyone, she's always been loyal and faithful to me. And I always tried to be, and when she asked me I always said that I never did anything to betray her. But that was a lie. Although when I feel like my regular self I am completely faithful to her, when I would lapse into a mixed manic episode I would look at pornography, and I did this behind her back and never once told her what was going on. A week ago she figured out that it was happening, at least at that time, and my immediate reaction was to keep lying. I tried to lie my way out of what I'd done, partly because i was still in my manic episode and partly out of panic. After a lot of coercing on her part, I eventually came clean about everything. And still being clouded by my episode, I tried to blame her and said I was unhappy and I was leaving her. The next day she told me she was four weeks pregnant, and she didn't want to keep the baby. Hearing that rocked me to the core. She has always been against abortion, and to know what i had done led her to feeling this way opened my eyes to the hurt I had caused her. Three days after she told me, she miscarried due to stress. All this happening has sent me into a whirlwind. It's completely changed my perspective on what I've done and the person I am. I've gotten back on my medication, and I'm in the process of doing everything I can to change myself into being a better person. But as for our relationship, I fear it may be too late. At times she seems hopeful that she can forgive me, but more often the pain is too much and she wants nothing to do with me ever again. She does not believe I can change and be honest, which I can hardly blame her. I know I'm committed, and if she does leave me I will continue striving to be a better healthier person, for myself and my son. But I cannot let her go. I have always loved her and I still do, but my actions were so unloving that she doesn't believe that. To her, the entire 8 years has been a lie. I've been begging her to seek counseling both with me and for herself but so far she hasn't. I know that if there is hope that it will take time, but I want to do everything I can to try to help us be on that road, together. It's hard to look at myself in the mirror anymore, and the things she has to say about me don't help, partly because there is truth in some of it. I don't know what I expect to get out of posting this, mostly I just have nobody to talk to about this, so I'm just putting it out there to see what happens. I feel like a terrible evil person. Anybody with any insight I'm all ears