I used to love my job. But this year is completely different. Starting out in a depression was the worst thing that could have happened to me because now I can't get control of my classes. I got a bad observation note today from my principal and it really hit home for me how much my job destabilizes me. In fact I think my job may have been a major factor in setting this whole mess off.

Worst part about getting the bad observation note is that I'm still in some sort of in between phase of depression and the note didn't energize me to do better it just made me want to quit like I've been wanting to do since school started. I feel like I'll never be able to do any better than what I'm doing because I'll never get out of this depression fully because my job keeps me down etc etc etc.

My students only know me as depressed. Which means they only know me as the teacher that never smiles. How is that fair to them.

I just can't take the behaviors this year. I'm too depressed to handle the craziness that goes on. All I can do is stand there which means the students don't respect me and even if I try to use the model it doesn't work. I'll never be respected in this school.

But I'm scared that if I can't teach here I can't teach ANYWHERE. I don't know what to do. I can't quit. I can't find another teaching job until may. I don't even know if I can be a teacher because I'm freaking out over the paperwork involved too, not just the terrible behavior I deal with.

On top of this my husband is trying to get is to move out which obviously we can't afford if I quit because he thinks that the house is causing all my problems and that if we live on our own again everything will be magically different.

I don't know why I'm posting. None of you can tell me what to do because I can't quit. We barely make enough as it is. I just wish I could get out of this depression fully, even though I feel a little better, after today I just want to hide under a rock again.