As you all probably know, I have a problem with impulsive behavior. I often look at the self-injury forum and see the posts of the people who have stopped for awhile... they count the number of days that they haven't injured. I see people do similar things when they stop smoking. For me, I never have a desire to stop. And I don't think of consequences. Also, I am the type of person who will stop when she wants to stop. But if I don't want to... I won't. Regardless of knowing that what I'm doing is 'bad.' I have done this with smoking... I know it's horrible, I keep doing it because I want to, then one day I just stop. No counting days, nothing. Just stop.

What is the point of all this? Well, it has to do with my reluctance to call T. I have noticed that I'm counting off the days, and congratulating myself for restricting myself from T. (Technically, this is punishing myself at the same time-- because I won't let myself call him). He told me I could, but instead, each day that I don't, I say, "Ok... you've done it. You got through the day without him. Very good. Now it's only 2 more days until session."

I am aware of what is going on, but I don't have a full grasp yet. All of the destructive things that I do-- SI, eating like sh** when I know full well that it is going to bother my stomach, spending money, driving fast because of the rush that it gives me-- I don't restrict myself from any of these damaging behaviors-- but I am restricting myself from T. He represents something healthy for me. He gave me permission to call. Instead, I count off the days that I can go without him.

It reminds me of how little I will let myself get well before I sabotage myself again. You know, how I was saying that I 'stir up' things and act out, otherwise I feel disconnected.

Any insight on this new restriction?