Hi hidesad
It really is good that you're able to let your true thoughts and emotions prevail in places- here and with your T. It can be so much to try to hold them in, to mask them, to go it alone. And I hope we're convincing you they really shouldn't be something to feel ashamed about, needless to say..........we're here for you regardless
But where you're putting on the fake exterior could there be anyone you could talk to a little more to about how you're feeling???
Although if you're not quite comfortable with that yet, I'd say at the very least with: "Most people see me as happy go lucky. As someone who lets things roll off his back" there should be some room to let go just a little???
Afterall, whatever the circumstances, most people would find it hard to be like that all the time. And even "happy go lucky" people are entitled to some "off" days.
So for now maybe try to "make use of some of those" and take the odd "step back" even if with some people you feel the need to blame it on being busy/being tired......anything. Whatever you think is best under the circumstances.
But as much as you feel you can let out, hey?? Because the way you're feeling matters, it's real, and you matter.
Anytime you want to talk.............

Alison