I would guess that the idea of getting better is threatening to you somehow, and you are resisting. What do you think about that idea? How might you benefit from delaying your recovery? Do you get something out of punishing yourself?

Again, this is a problem that is so familiar to me. My T suggested once that I reward myself for doing healthy things or for not SI-ing for a certain amount of time, etc. I told her that I couldn't do that, and would be more likely to punish myself for the good stuff, and reward myself for SI, restricting food, etc. I don't trust myself to control my own reinforcement program, because I would be likely to reverse it.

What would happen if you allowed yourself to call T as a reward for doing something healthy?

I hope that you will talk to him about what you find yourself doing.