hi mermaidsoup
I understand the med rollercoaster. I seem to get all the contact your dr immediately side effects myself. I tried about evry med there was, sometimes a month, sometimes for two weeks, until I found something that worked. I hate meds myself, but I hated where I was at more. it took years to find the right meds for me but life is so much better now that we have found them. I imagine life without them a lot, but then I remember what life was like and grudgingly take those pills so I don't have to go back. one thing that really helped me manage my emotions was dbt. I know it is for bpd, which I don't have, but it is all abuot mindfulness which was really helpful.

I have a friend who suffered severe depression and she did ect. she did more than was recommended. she felt it worked somewhat. but it took away her good memories too. being so young, you don't have as many memories to lose as she did. we got together and took her on a trip down memory lane to retrigger what she had lost. she was able to remember some of it. ect didn't work as well as she wanted it to. she wanted it to all go away but she still had her problems afterward she had to work thru. it wasn't the be all end all for her she thought it would be. it took a few years for her. she found something she was passionate about it life as an interest and let go of the past and that is what finally did it for her.

I was depressed and suicidal for thiry years. it took the right meds and the right therapist when I had hit bottom and knew I had to do things different or I would be dead. it all seemed to click for me and I got that magic wand I had been seeking all those years. it wasn't like I hadn't tried in the past. I had tried everything...cept meds.......I wish you luck...take care