Currently I am in hospital and have received 6 ECT treatments and med changes. I am still feeling very irritable and agitated and low. The despair is creeping in as I wonder if i will ever be able to function well again. Today I see my doctor and I really need some hope from him as I have run out of hope. My life is generally in a good place it is just this illness stealing all my joy and cognitive capacity. I cannot live this way anymore. I need hope that it can change, and soon.

Sorry to be a downer, I just needed to get this off my chest and try to do all I can to hang in there through this storm. I hate how this illness robs me of so much and gives so little. MY heart wants to give up on it all but I am stubborn and refuse to give up even though the fat lady has sang her woeful tune. Still I can't hang on indefinitely. I see my doctor later today so hopefully he will have some hope for me to cling on to. I feel so damn tormented, it is truly awful.