Once again I'm feeling the pain of uncertainty. I have the feeling that where I am working is not going to last long and I am getting panic attacks as a result. I can't stop worrying about the fact that I am the one in my family supporting us financially.

I don't like working anyway, so I'm stuck with terrible feelings like I'm unemployable if I did lose my job now. I also feel like an incompetent manager and horrible husband/father.

This morning I couldn't stop wondering about whether I needed to make sure my life insurance wasn't lost in case I did something about my feelings. I have thoughts, but no actions. I'm just not sure if I know how to live like this. It's a torture and I can't get my mind to think clearly enough to express it well.

Therapy copays are so expensive now that I can't keep up with it. I just take medicine for my depression. I find therapy very frustrating anyway. It just reminds me that this is all my fault for not "staying in the moment" or some other technique that will keep me from getting emotional/frustrated. I don't like resolving things and I can't do well around other people, but I have to somehow cope. I'm afraid to even finish my work today, but I have no choice. I'm hardly able to concentrate long enough to work on anything right now. I wish I could take time off, but I was recently in a hospital outpatient program a few months ago, so I have no time to take without going unpaid.

On top of all of this, my family has little money and we have a lot of debt. I resent them sometimes because of what we have to spend to stay alive as a family, but I also need them. I am nothing without my family and feel sad when they are not around. I guess it's my guilt for not being able to bring them more money or support them better. The fact is we don't even have enough bedrooms for them so my youngest sleeps in my room with my wife and I sleep on the couch. This is because my oldest has a problem with anyone being in her room. She has her own issues that just remind me of all of my shortcomings and the fact that I gave her everything that frustrates her.

I don't know what to do next, but I'll post this to just put something out there. I'm lonely and want to be alone. I want to be successful, but don't want to work. It's all these contradictions that make me angry and I can't find my values while barely keeping my head above water everyday.