I don't think your mom became an alcoholic on your 13th birthday. Not that it makes a huge difference at what age you started feeling bad, but it can help to see what was lacking in your early years. My strong guess is that the roots of this are not in the fact that you were raped at age 15, or in the fact that you were bullied in the 10th grade. Those things sure didn't help, but I believe that, if a person makes it through their first 12 years getting all the experience and love that a child needs, it's not real likely that this person is going to become profoundly depressed a few years later. I can imagine that there are exceptions to that, but I don't think they are many.

I'll bet your parents were letting you down a lot earlier than age 13. If you remember those years as happy, then maybe your idea of "happy" sets the bar kind of low for what is happiness. At the very least, your mom was not providing you with a good role model for how to live well and feel successful. A child needs that. Kids can't figure out everything from scratch.

You have kind of had to be your own parent. That's an awful burden on a young person. I think your life has been not much fun from way back when. I've lived with alcoholics. It's not fun. So you don't have much of a conception of the joy that life can offer.

I think what you need more than anything is a connection to people who can provide some of what you didn't get at home. That's awfully tough to find. But it's sure you won't find it by staying in the house with your parent. Out in the workplace, or in a school setting, if you try your best at getting something done, you will attract the notice of adults who will encourage you. That could be the kind of positive attention that could help you understand that there is a place for you in the world where you will be valued. I think you need to find a good mentor. That's why I make those suggestions.

I never found any therapist who affected my life as deeply as a good supervisor who valued my efforts on a job where I tried hard to turn in a good day's work . . . . or a teacher who respected my effort in an academic program. The encouragement I got actually surprised me. Maybe I was lucky in the places that I landed up in. But I made a lot of moves looking for a congenial environment. One year I quit 6 different jobs. You don't have to stay anywhere you go to, if you hate it. But what would you have to lose by trying? You can always pack it in and go back to staying in your parent's house all the time. You already know that's not going to lead to anything good for you.

Someday, you'll look back and be so glad at the courage you mustered up to try something that seemed a little bit scary. You have that courage. You just have to decide to believe that.