I am trying to emerge from my time of isolating myself, meaning family get togethers and having coffee with friends. A few years ago, my dad showed up at my apartment unannounced (which I hate) because I couldn't talk to anyone over the phone for some reason. I was in the middle of a very severe depressive episode that led to a sui attempt. No one knew this. I get that he showed up out of concern for me, which is why I feel guilty for being angry. But I felt like I HAD to tell him about my depression (not the attempt) and I resent him for that. I don't like to be rushed, and I am very careful in who I reveal my MI to. He doesn't get it and is of the mind that one needs to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.
It's been a few years since then, and the depression has been present off and on since then. Well, I am now in another depressive episode where I am having difficulty talking to anyone. And he told my aunts and my stepmother about my depression. I feel hurt and betrayed by this. It wasn't his business to tell anyone, and now i have 4 people after me, telling me that I need to go have fun. (as if that will solve anything) Telling them to back off makes it worse. I don't get it... I'm not addicted to drugs or alcohol, I'm not in an abusive relationship. I don't need an intervention. I want them to go away. I feel consumed by anger, and what's worse is that I know that they only want to help me, so I feel guilty for feeling that way. And the thing is, I AM trying.
When I was younger I was never allowed to express any emotions. There were no boundaries either, so I am still learning how to say "no." I feel like all of that anger and resentment is bubbling up and I am going to explode any minute. And having all of them keep saying "be happy!!" like some insane cheerleader is making me even angrier. How do you say f*** off without being mean? haha I'm sorry but seriously that's how I feel right now.
Thank you for letting me vent.
Last edited by tigerlily84; Sep 30, 2014 at 03:19 PM.
|