Sorry, I think I didn't explain the picture correctly... I did the picture. It's the memory the picture is based off of that I don't have full understanding of... it's the flash of memory I had when I connected with the terror.
I don't have alters, just very compartmentalized awareness. There's only one aspect of myself I have no connection with in terms of understanding or emotion, and that's the really little kid memories. The few times I have had any retained awareness after connecting to them, I retained the terror (and that's only beem about a handful of times my entire life). The kid memories are held by the only aspect of me with a name and individual "identity", and I'm guessing she only had all that because connecting to what she holds is SO scary. That's the only part of me I totally dissociate from with zero memory of what happens when I connect to it... except for one memory, and now this snapshot of a memory...

Thank you for your description of what it was like to integrate. While I don't have the alters, the experience of dissociating and coming back to the problem not being solved is something I relate to. Things used to be fixed, but I wouldn't have a memory of how it happened. Now I ground and the problem is still there. It's frustrating, like you mentioned. Also, the prospect of remembering everything and knowing everything at once is a scary one. So far it had proved overwhelming and I have not gotten there totally yet (again, not in terms of alters, but in terms of not having everything so well walled-off all the time).
While it's not totally the same, I wonder if there are similarities... how did you get over the fear of knowing everything at once? I'm scared it would be too much, and I would break... (so far that has been my experience with it anyway).