Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisWayOut
Sorry, I think I didn't explain the picture correctly... I did the picture. It's the memory the picture is based off of that I don't have full understanding of... it's the flash of memory I had when I connected with the terror.
I don't have alters, just very compartmentalized awareness. There's only one aspect of myself I have no connection with in terms of understanding or emotion, and that's the really little kid memories. The few times I have had any retained awareness after connecting to them, I retained the terror (and that's only beem about a handful of times my entire life). The kid memories are held by the only aspect of me with a name and individual "identity", and I'm guessing she only had all that because connecting to what she holds is SO scary. That's the only part of me I totally dissociate from with zero memory of what happens when I connect to it... except for one memory, and now this snapshot of a memory...
Thank you for your description of what it was like to integrate. While I don't have the alters, the experience of dissociating and coming back to the problem not being solved is something I relate to. Things used to be fixed, but I wouldn't have a memory of how it happened. Now I ground and the problem is still there. It's frustrating, like you mentioned. Also, the prospect of remembering everything and knowing everything at once is a scary one. So far it had proved overwhelming and I have not gotten there totally yet (again, not in terms of alters, but in terms of not having everything so well walled-off all the time).
While it's not totally the same, I wonder if there are similarities... how did you get over the fear of knowing everything at once? I'm scared it would be too much, and I would break... (so far that has been my experience with it anyway).
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for me it wasnt a situation of knowing everything all at once. as I became stronger and able to do what each of the alters did, for myself that alter would just be part of me one with me. it was a natural process with me. lets see, how to explain it...ok you know how you can be with a friend and something they say to you will remind you of something else and you say to them... that reminds me of..... well its like that. Ill be doing something and stop and realize I can remember doing something similar before when before I was integrated that wasnt possible because it was an alter that had done it and held that memory....
example today I was reading a book that I thought I had never read before but then this one paragraph reminded me of when and where I had read it before...at a time and place before my alters had been integrated. I have never been able to make a good pie crust but now that my alters are all integrated I have the memory of how to make a good pie crust.
it works the same way with the not so positive memories too. human being naturally think in terms of good and bad things. ask a three year old what was the good thing that day and they can tell you, ask them what the bad thing was that day they can tell you that too...its just the normal way the human brain works.. sometimes my wife and I will be having an enjoyable intimate moment and a negative memory will enter my mind. that memory may have something to do with when I was a child that an alter had held for me before they were integrated with me but now that memory is part of me. I do what any other human being would do. I tell my wife we need to stop, then tell her what I am remembering. I have many different ways that work for me when I am remembering the good and bad times from my childhood...sometimes I go for a walk, sometimes I row my canoe around the lake, other times I talk with my treatment providers, my wife or a friend, sometimes I get creative with my art work.....
the human brain is an amazing thing and the one thing we know about dissociation is that a person who dissociates wont remember anything they are not equipped to handle. the reason why a person dissociates is because they are feeling/experiencing something that they are not able to handle...
thats not saying its not going to be hard because even normal people remember things that are painful/hard for them to remember, thats life you take the good with the bad a famous comedian (robin williams) once said in an interview how do you know when something is good...when you have also had bad times, you cant know good if you dont have bad/down times.
just take it once step at a time and continue working with your treatment providers they will be able to help you discover all the things that will work to get you through the bad times so that you can enjoy the good memories too.
Another thing that helps me through new memories is understanding memories are not always literal. sometimes it isnt about what happened in the memory, but rather the emotion. example one of my memories after being integrated was being weightless flying and falling, there was a bit more but the point is what went on in that memory didnt actually happen it was a conjured memory based instead on my emotions of feeling happy then crashing, over stressed and out of my control.
if you are receiving memories then your brain feels you are ready to handle it. so talk with your treatment providers they will be able to help you develop plans/lists and things to do when you get these flashes of memories.