I went to my first session on Tuesday and everything was fine. My mind went into doctor mode because it was just getting my diagnosis and everything established, which I do once a year anyways. So I kinda feel like I turn into a drone at that time. I told her about how my days start out fine and by night I'm feeling horrible. She seems nice and so I have my next appointment with her tomorrow. She told me she has to establish safety, that's her first priority. She said I was bordering the red zone. After knowing that, I can't possibly tell her. Or the extent of it either. It's not just a couple. It's the whole side of my thigh. During my "high" or whatever, I figured why not just email her and tell her now while I'm feeling.. away? enough to not care enough to be scared.

It's only our second session tomorrow. I don't want to tell her because I'm assuming that will put me in the red zone since I finally acted upon impulse and I don't want to know what the red zone is. I'm just going to go ahead and assume she recommends you go to the hospital, but those are seriously pointless because I'm a really good actor when I start to freak out and want out. Which is like 2 seconds after I walk into the unit.

Part of me feels like I should just cancel my appointments with her because I feel like I'm unfixable and nothing can save me at this point.