((Warnings, possible triggers?))
In brief, I'm tired of everything. I've undergone over 30 years of multiple types of abuse. I can't seem to get away from it. I even moved to another country. I went No Contact with my abusive family for over 14 years but then again had to be contacted by an attorney because my abusive sister wants control of my abusive mom's care and money. I don't care, I just don't want to be contacted. Even during that I and my other sibling had a restraining order put on us from access some bank account in the US my mom had. Which the restraining order could cause problems for me staying in my new country.
I got away from my passive aggressive, narcissistic personality, rapist husband but still 4 years after my divorce he won't refinance a car loan to get my name off of it. He's been going to do it for 4 years now. You know how PA's are. Despite making $46 an hour he pays the car payment two months late every time, ($250 a month)thus destroying my credit. My ex guilted me into going to college with him because I was such a loser. He went to college years earlier and took out so many loans they would only loan him for a year more at the max. I got a scholarship but I still had to sign up for every private loan because if I didn't I wasn't contributing to the household monetarily. (I was told get a job but when I tried there was abuse and he always stood in the way/told me what a hassle it would be)Now I have over $50k in loans of money that I accessed about $500 of it. Rest he spent on eating out, buying games/gaming systems/thousands disappeared I don't know where...etc. That will haunt me forever and make it impossible to ever buy a house or pay off. Oh yeah and he put me through years of hell with his PA/Narc parents, one of whom still stalks me on the internet as of a year ago
I moved across the ocean to marry a friend of 13 years. He was taking care of his basically terminally ill mom the last 8 years. She degraded every year and couldn't be alone even a minute. His dad was rich and could have paid a carer or cared for her himself but he too is PA/Narc. My husband did not realise the life of abuse he had suffered until his dad assaulted me one night. My husband lived off nothing and had one pair of pants to his name, threadbare underware etc. (His dad never offered to help) Because of the cost of immigrating I had to live in that house for nearly 3 years and endured psychological abuse. The FIL ruined our wedding, abused his wife, abused my husband and I. He made it to where we were always broke from paying rent/expenses (FIL paid my husband for 8 months out of 8 years for caring for mom, he wasn't allowed to find a job) and couldn't move out. I barely left the room in two years I was so scared and my husband was scared for my safety. The FIL would steal our food, throw away our things and make it nearly impossible for us to eat or use the toilet. Finally MIL died (which is a terrible story in itself) and my husband was no longer welcome there, his usefulness was up.
Finally we escaped and due to financial obligations with my visa requirements moved into a cheap house with two male room mates. They too are PA! The house is ghetto and we just got the ability to have tepid water after nearly 6 months of no hot water. The toilet seat isn't even bolted down, the house is full of a roommates things as he is a hoarder so the only useable rooms are our bedroom and the kitchen. The property had not been cleaned in over 5 years. I spent over 200 hours trying to clean it up/fix holes in walls/repaint etc. This was rewarded with my roommates ruining paint jobs and complaining. They steal our food, lie about it, fill our milk bottle up with water, act aggressive (Raising their voice and telling me how things are going to be), yesterday the guy with most of his teeth missing/black rotting teeth used my husband's toothbrush that or scrubbed the toilet with it. Today I sat on the upstairs toilet seat and someone closed the lid (which they never do) I sat in pee. Someone peed very liberally all over the toilet seat - front, back and the sides then closed the lid. They purposefully try to get us fined with the council by not having our bins sorted which can cause problems for my visa and staying here because my name is on the housing/council bill. They make fun of me possibly losing my marriage and being sent home if my last visa fails.
One guy is super weird (the toothless one) and only bathes once every 2-3 weeks and wears the same clothes everyday. He washes clothes every month and only has like 6 items out on the line when he does despite him having a job. He buys imported stuff from Japan all the time. The house stinks like dirty butt/pits all the time because of him. I swear something is wrong with the guy, he really unsettles me.
The solution - move! But I can't! We never have enough money to live somewhere with non crazy abusive people. We have thousands of pounds in visa fees to pay yet and I can't get a job. I've had a few part time ones (like 80 pounds a month). I've been subjected to discrimination, health and safety violations, employers paying me less than they are advertising, labor violations or just plain not paying me for my work at all.
I'm pretty much tired of being treated like dog crap. If I have money I can move elsewhere but no one will hire me. My husband has a job but at 30 he's basically like an 18 year old starting all over again because he was out of work taking care of his mom 8+ years. He tried going to university but his dad ruined that. He had to miss classes and take care of mom because his dad wanted to go golfing or to parties and didn't want to hire a carer.
The only conceivable way to escape this money pit is to write a book and get it published because no one is hiring me that actually wants to pay minimum wage. And that is a long shot. I am trying to lose weight and eat emotionally all the time now. I barely go outside. I have health problems I can't see the Dr. until Dec for. Please, please, don't say to go back to my country. I am not. I really don't like when people mention that as an option.
In short: I'm tired of the feeling like I'm escaping one bad abusive relationship and end up unknowingly into another with someone that isn't my partner and I don't have the money to escape from such people permanently!