(((Mowtown))),

You need to be "careful" about expecting family members to give you the right "supportive" feedback. You need to understand that "all" your family was within that dysfunctional environment. Your mother and your sisters were all "codependents and enablers" Mowtown. You had to step up and be the "adult" at times when you deserved to have that be there for "you". You talk about your mother being your best friend, but you need to keep in mind that you did have to try to protect "her" too and at the time you needed that "yourself".

You need to understand the "healing" stages of PTSD too Mowtown. It takes time to gain on not only managing it better, but gaining on the "balance" too. None of your family members can identify with what PTSD means either Mowtown. From what you have discribed of the comments your family members have made, it is clear to me that they are all exhibiting how "they" have been affected and only willing to see it from their own viewpoint verses really understanding the magnitude of the overall dysfunction. Each child growing up in the kind of dysfunction you have discussed is only going to see things from their own vantage point and that is basically how children "do" see things too. If you have an older sister that your father was "nicer" to and she somehow was able to manage "her" life better than you, she isn't going to see it from your own challenges with your father.

You are also asking your mother, a 90 year old, questions that she really doesn't have the "true" ability to answer for you the way you "need and deserve" either. When you do that you are actually asking a woman who herself was a victim and really never grew up to be as knowledgeable as "you" need a nurturer/mentor to be for you.

PTSD and how you have struggled with your own history Mowtown, really takes "time" to work through. You were very "challenged" in a very "dysfunctional" home Mowtown, and you have "hurts" that you need to work through and these hurts go way back too, "healing" doesn't take place in the time frame you have discussed here Mowtown.

You are not in any way "stupid" either Mowtown, in fact you have survived a lot and you did that because you were "smart and strong" even though you struggle with feeling like you are somehow a failure right now. What you have been "engaging" in your healing is that "intelligent survivor" in yourself Mowtown. And let me say to you, that person that I have seen in you is really a very "smart and intelligent kind hearted person". It takes time for "that smart survivor part" to work through all the hurt parts and dysfunction that has challenged you in your past. Healing is not just about "revisiting" Mowtown, it is about revisiting and finally helping these "hurt" areas to finally grow past whatever is there that was left confused and hurt in you. And you "have been" doing very "positive" things for yourself Mowtown, you have not only been "gaining" in your psychological understanding of how you were hurt that was not ever your fault, but you have also been "actively" interacting in ways that promote your personal and physical growth too.
The other place I have seen you "gain and grow" in is how you are so supportive with others too. That is not the kind of "growth and maturity" that your family members have, and may never aspire to. So for you to look to them for support, is really not going to prove "fruitful" for you. That is hard, I have a hard time with that myself too Mowtown. However, each person will reflect on the things they did not have support with growing up, so it is really "normal" and not "just" experienced when someone has PTSD. And tbh, a lot of adults your age are getting divorces or are divorced and in new realtionships or even in their second marriages too. There are also a growing number of individuals that are just starting families at your age too because they did not marry until their late 30's or even early 40's. I meet many different families in what I do for a business, so I do see a lot.

When someone is challenged with PTSD, and has a challenged history as you have expressed, it is going to take "time" to get to a point where the PTSD lows are under more control. It's a lot like your discovering that even though you had been afraid to swim, you learned how to swim anyway and you are now able to "enjoy" it.

What you had always needed was to learn how to just do the things in "your life" that you wanted to do regardless of the criticisms or judgements of others. If you love bike riding, swimming, driving in your new car, and having a PT, just do it and enjoy doing these things. That is what you would tell your own son if you were a father right? Ok, then make sure you do that for yourself too. If you live with your mother and take care of her, there is nothing wrong with that, actually a lot of people take care of their elderly parents, my brother in law is 55 and lives with my inlaws who are elderly, I am glad he is there for them too.

Healing and gaining is paying attention to whatever "negative" self talk we have and realizing it is "garbage' and work on simply discarding it.

((Caring Supportive Hugs))
OE