I am not so sure I believe this statement. My life has slowly started crumbling under my feet..... I had an emergency appointment with my T today, she knows I am in crisis when I ask for one...

My whole life I have been able to shut off emotion, I guess they call it dissociation or depersonalization, I called it going to sleep and a main voice feeling me in on the non emotional highlights, so I could function and move on..... Well He is gone.... were not sure if the last surgery, the small stroke, or my coping system just decided it was time for him to go... but I suck at coping!

I spent all day sunday with my horses.. that normally makes me happy, I tried my morning mindfulness and meditation, that failed...

I went into sheer panick attack and then was flooded with all sorts of memories, that for a brief moment I realized happened to me... I can't deal with this, I can't handle it, but I have to find a way to do it. I am a survivor, I will find a way, but I am just saying... therapy HURTS! it just does, I spent 40 some odd years hiding from this and it just hurts... now I go home in 1 1/2 weeks for a visit and I have to hold it all together, so I can be the "perfect daughter" Pefect Sister" that everyone expects me to be...

How the hell am I suppose to hold it together!

I don't want to be flooded with the memories and flashback, it just hurts... it hurts so bad, I just want to not be any longer.... I think it might have been feeling better to feel like I was rotting inside, then to find out what there was that I am rotting from..

I am overusing my meds... I am not eating, but I am loosing weight.. yay me , I wish the doc hadn't prescribed me so much, I like it too much, it helps me cope... I am going to hate it when the withdrawals happen... but right now it is what it is

Is the operation a success if it kills the patient??? cuz at this point that is how I feel.... I'm not sure I can make it now that the flood gates are open.....