i will try and make this concise as possible!

Since this is a long post, the short question is: Can I ask my therapist for a calming, comforting hug during difficult sessions despite the fact that I have admitted and we have talked about transference in our working relationship during one session? Note that this session resulted in an understanding that I was very grateful for my T as a professional, but the transference revealed a close friendship that I desired and have since found.

Started seeing T beginning of this year. Daily panic attacks and lethargic depression. most frustrating was the depression did not seem to have a trigger, and it forced me to drop out of school. i was so consistently lethargic that i wasn't even suicidal at all, just lost and without sense of direction due to my inability to find the factors in my depression.

My progress with this T, in short: i have almost eliminated panic attacks, identified newly appropriate and evolving goals as far as productivity and future education, and reached almost all of the small goals along the way including working part-time, then full-time, and getting back into school starting with one class.

At beginning of therapy, needed to focus on safety and basic needs. Beginning a couple months ago I started to desire meaningful relationships as I felt fit to hold up my end of a friendship of any degree.

At this point my very close friends were all far away, many at school. Started to realize i am thinking of my therapist too much outside of therapy-related thoughts. it was not sexual nor romantic. I wanted to know her outside of therapy because we shared the few interests she had revealed to me, and of course she is kind in the therapeutic setting, the extent to which I actually know her. I was just barely ready to meet new people and put myself back out there, so that lack of a very good friend in close proximity created transference.

Although I was just slightly worried about possibility of termination or messed up dynamics in future sessions, I knew the only thing to do was come clean to T to ensure I did not let these new feelings get in the way of having fully effective sessions.

We talked through it and it went very well. I was able to identify the reasons for my projection of my T in my life as anything other than a T. Sure, I do have reason to believe she's kind and caring away from her profession, but that's not for me to actually find out, and I'm just happy to have her as my T. The other role I wished she could fill was just a close friendship I felt the need to pursue. I have since done so, becoming closer to long-time friends and meeting new people in my renewed social comfort. Just one session was enough for me to mentally organize those feelings for T, and we continued productive therapy twice a week.

Recently, as in the last week, I hit a very low point without any identifiable cause, and I felt suicidal more than ever before, despite all of the progress I have made since barely being able to leave my house pre-2014.

The past couple sessions, I had an itching urge to hug my T simply for comfort as I stumbled through my feelings and the terrible emotions that dominated my recent thoughts. With the established transference history in mind, I just couldn't ask for the hug. I am still in the midst of a downturn in mood, although it's slightly better, and if I feel the need for that comfort next time we meet, I still do want to ask my T for a hug. I have never really had this feeling before, but a comforting hug in those moments where my mind is all over the place seems like it would calm me and allow me to collect myself.

Anyway, any thoughts on if I should avoid asking for the comfort-hug? I guess it depends on the T, and my instinct is asking wouldn't hurt, and that the answer could be yes or no. Also, since I left such a long post (sorry!) I'd love to hear any other thoughts anyone has on anything I've described.

Thanks!