I've been thinking all day what I want to respond to you Sunrise and Pinksoil. It's been an emotional day with me ending it in tears. But these aren't entirely sad tears.

I've really been exploring since yesterday what makes me unhappy and needs to change. My T said that I deserve to be happy and he wants that for me. That really touched me. No one has ever said those words to me before believe it or not. I can tell with him that he is sincere when he says stuff like this. His face softens and his eyes smile...

Anyway, I changed the topic yesterday to whether or not I know him because it was difficult to face what we were talking about. I love my husband but we aren't right together. This past year and a half I've learned through T how I picked not just my current husband but my former one too. I'm picking what I think are safe and stable men but it comes with a price because we are more friends than a true couple. There is no intimate love.

I don't get anything I need from my current husband. We are in reversed roles. Intimacy is not his thing. He never seems to need to hold my hand or put his arm around me. He hates me spending time on the computer but when we are together, we watch 24 or American Idol or whatever and we laugh like two friends. But that's it.

I don't even need to say how our sex life is. I'm sure you can tell from what I wrote above. I have been struggling for some time with my husband. He refused at first to enter therapy with me or even go just once. He made a huge scene at one point saying he demanded that I stop seeing my therapist. This was like a year ago and he's changed significantly with this part. Now, he likes that I have my therapist. Actually, it lets him off the hook.

My job is another change I need to make and I'm already thinking about that.

This is probably why I freak whenever T and I discuss eventual graduation. He knows and agrees that I am not ready right now. The thought of losing him at the same time I am realizing all of this is just frightening to me.

I know it is his job but my T is so much more than that to me. Since a young age, I had the same problems I have today. Not one diagnostic test was ever requested or done. My parents rationalized away any thought that something might be wrong. A failed suicide attempt at 16 years of age just left more suffering and more burying of these emotions.

My T has changed all of that. It hasn't always been easy for me, this process, but I'm realizing more and more what a treasure he really is. On my first day with my T, I was there for hours for testing and discussion. It was like I already knew him somehow. I also felt like 'okay I'm safe now'...I can't explain it better than this.

Because of him, I had faith in therapy again and thought this time, it'll be different, I just feel that. I won't be going back for 17 days....aargh! But perhaps this is good. I've gotten this far in just one day.

The conclusion for me tonight is that I need to make myself happy. I never really thought I deserved that. I have a son who loves his parents but I fear that if he does not see true love between us, it will impact him forever.

I wrote all of this down in a letter to T (and more). I won't fax it, mail it or deliver it. But maybe, I'll ask him if he will let me read some or all of it to him. I have a feeling, the next session will be our most profound if I can read this to him.

Thanks for letting me ramble...