Trigger warning for brief mentions of physical abuse.

Had an appointment yesterday, and we talked a little bit about some of the things I wrote in my journal. Mostly the easier things to talk about since the more difficult things are REALLY difficult.

I walked in feeling really anxious and numb. I wanted to shut down or not be there, but at the same time, I wanted to burst into tears. Somehow, I didn't do any of those, and we chatted about random things for a while before discussing my journal.

My T said that my journal is very difficult to read because I basically wrote out all the traumatic things that have happened to me, and that she can't read more than a page or two at a time. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. I know she's being honest (and I specifically told her to be honest whether it's good or bad), and a part of me feels like she "gets it" about how hard it was, like she understands that things were so incredibly hard to deal with. But another part of me is cringing inside thinking about that. I don't want to hear from someone else that my life and history are that bad. It affected me, but not because it was particularly awful, it affected me because I'm the weak one who couldn't handle it...right? So her reaction is hard for me.

We talked about a few of the things she had read in there, and a little about how intimidated and anxious her anger at my father made me when she expressed it. And we talked about how my mom's lack of action and her refusal to acknowledge that anything was wrong was perplexing. And we talked a little but about how my step sister was taken out of my dad and step-mom's house by CPS because she had been hit by my dad.

She is going on vacation starting today and won't be back until Monday night, so she said she won't have time to read any of it this week.

So that's how that appointment went.