((SkyWhite))

I've fairly recently started coming to terms with a sexual assault that happened when I was about 8. At the time I was upset but didn't really understand what happened. It came back to mind a few months ago and I have begun to realise more about what happened - and can see ways it has affected me over the years. I can understand what you mean about a sense of relief - it is a relief when things fall into place. But it's also very frightening and I'm finding it tends to dominate my thoughts a lot.

I don't remember much about the event itself, though I have never been unaware of its having happened. Like you I have had some odd dreams and am not sure what to make of them. It makes me feel sickened now that I realise what happened to me.

Dissociation - I think I've been doing this a lot over the years, without knowing it. There have been lots of times when I was switched off, not responding to other people or lost inside my head. I don't know if it's a reaction to the assault or to how I grew up.

At the moment I'm seeing a psychotherapist for interpersonal therapy, following some really difficult events with a group of people I thought were friends, which stirred up a lot of stuff from the past including difficult times with my alcoholic mother. I finally managed to mention the assault to the t this week and he said I could go for different therapy for that if I thought it would be be better for me. I don't know which way to go. I've pushed this away from me ever since it happened but it's really bothering me now. I don't know if it would be better to delve into it and get it over with or to push it away again. So I don't have any answers for you, SkyWhite, but I can understand your situation at least to some extent.

Sorry, I have rambled on a lot - not sure how useful it will be. I hope you find some relief and the right way forward, SkyWhite.


Bluegrey