I am sorry that you have to live with this pain and these constant thoughts. I know there is nothing I can do to change your mind. I have a friend who killed herself too. we used to always talk about sui together. I went through a time where life was good and I was anxiety free and things were great and I no longer wanted to die and things were wonderful and I so wanted to share my newfound joy with her so she could experience it too and I could give her the hope I had, but I kept putting it off and off and off and off. then I finally tried to contact her and couldn't get ahold of her. then I found out she killed herself. and I had to live with that guilt of "if I had only contacted her sooner and given her the hope I had, she may not have done it." but I know how much pain she was in and there is nothing I could have done to save her. I may have prolonged it. I don't know. I think once someone has decided there is nothing we can do. seeing her, you may have felt more guilty because you weren't able to stop her. we never know. use this as a motivator to treasure the relationships you have in your life today. keep in touch with those you love. take care.