I'm struggling today. I am staring down a major trigger at the end of next week. A series of events aligning with the calendar day reminder of when my trauma story began. Or at least the part that destroyed everything I ever believed in.

It's been years since the event happened. And the trauma events keep happening. Again and again and again. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post details, so I'm being vague.

The nightmares are back. Night terrors too. I'll wake up screaming and running from my bed. Convinced that there is something or someone in my house who wants me dead. About a month ago I had a client at work who threatened me - and he had attributes of an abusive ex-partner I had. Down to telling me how he could kill me with his hands. My colleagues told me not to be alone with him. I didn't realize how much this scared me until hours later when I looked down at my hands and I was still shaking.

The end of next week marks the anniversary of the first event in a year of sheer hell. A year of rape, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, psychological terrorism, and so much more. A year that destroyed what I knew of safety, friendship and family. A year that triggered so many more things in my life...

My brain keeps going there. Back to that one night. The panic. I thought I was going to die. The terror. The loneliness when no one believed me. When my friends betrayed me and my family blamed me. I lost everything because of that night. I've done enough work to know it wasn't my fault... I was drunk and in and out of consciousness, there's no way I could have given consent. But that night still destroyed my life. And years later, I still feel the pain.

Needed to get that out. I feel like my world is spinning and crashing. I've returned to so many of my negative coping skills - but it's my only way of getting by. Thoughts get so dark... it's better to starve/purge/obsess than to go to the depth of darkness, right? :/ Not sure what my point is here... just... need to not be alone.