When I met her, she was a carefree junkie, dancing at a dive strip joint. I was a recovering alcoholic almost 2 years sober, well sober if you don't count pot. I don't drive because of a DUI and while biking around enjoying the weather I came across a basketball game and decided to jump in. I was 29 and they were high school kids. I guess I was reliving my youth. After a few months of meeting up with the neighborhood kids (not the best social life but hey, I wasn't drinking!) one of them introduced me to his mom and my life changed. I always wanted to try heroin. She didn't offer and I didn't ask for the first month, but we got to know each other intimately and eventually curiosity got the best of me. The day after I celebrated 2 years not drinking, I asked to try and she said no at first, but my puppy dog eyes were too much and she gave in. I managed to try it 5 days out of a week, but after a week, she had decided to stop using. She said she didn't want to see me throw my life away and didn't want to lose me. I told her "if you decide to use again, just share" and that's how I got my girlfriend who was a junkie for 15 years to stop using heroin. I must be a great guy (sarcastic...)
She was still an addict though, and I started taking pills with her. Valium, xanax, trazadone and adderal (she's diagnosed bipolar with rage disorder, pschizoaffective, and ADHD) became our cocktails. Trazadone to end the night of course...I moved in with her after we had dated for 2 months. She lived with her mom, sister, son, and daughter.
Eventually, her passing out on valium wore me down. It took a whole year, but I called it quits one night. Phoned my sister to get me the hell out and she brought her truck and I was packed and moved before my girlfriend woke up. Unfortunately, I moved in with my old roommate, who shares my love of the drink and herb. I was drunk within minutes of entering his house.
When she woke up, we texted back and forth for hours and eventually I, in my emotional state, went crying back to her. The next day, she claimed she needed a girl's night out and went to find her old supplier. It did not end well. I expected she would be out late and got a text at 2:00 saying she was on the way home. I didn't sleep that night and got a call at 5:30 saying she was in the hospital after a bad accident. She needed a stint in her aorta and her liver had been punctured, when she went into surgery there was 10% chance of surviving. Luckily she pulled through. I fully blamed myself and still do, she wouldn't have done it if I hadn't left the way I did. I stayed with her, and when she underwent the pegasus treatment to get rid of her hep-c (which can be miserable, especially since you have to ingest 25g of fat with the medicine, something that someone with anorexia issues finds rather difficult) I managed to stay through most of it but left near the end of the treatment. I don't even know how long it was, I was smoking spice by then and that does terrible things to the memory. We sort of broke it off but agreed to see each other once a week. That is when the sick twisted escort side of her managed to keep me in her life by appealing to my sexual needs. But something amazing happened. She got through her treatment and eventually stopped taking all mind-altering substances (except aderal, trazadone, and antipsychotics). For the past year, I see her on my way home from work everyday and on my days off we have movie day. My visits with her are usually half-hour to an hour, then 2 hours for movie day. It's not a relationship so much as holding therapy. She struggles with losing her looks as she ages. She's nearly 50 and I'm 34. Her social life consists of the dentist and the shrink. She watches tv with her mom and she will never be unfaithful to me. (I have deep security issues because my only other serious relationship ended because my ex slept with my dealer who happened to be one of my only friends in a small town on the other side of the country, away from my family) I love her insecurities, her cute little eccentricities that only she has (face twitches I've learned are a product of prolonged antipsychotic medication), and I just love her to death. But I have no future with her. We hold each other like the rest of the world is crazy, not her. We watch "All in the Family" and "Good Times" instead of the Investigative Discovery channel that used to make me crazy when I lived with her. She has molded herself into what she thinks I can tolerate and it breaks my heart that she has tried so hard to keep me. I've started talking and flirting with a girl at work. It scares me to death when she calls my work because the two of them have talked, not knowing who the other is. I told my coworker it's my sister but that won't work. I need to end this relationship but how can I, I prayed to God for someone that would never cheat on me and needed me and in some sick way, my prayers have been answered by a retired escort that had to stop dancing because a car accident mangled her frail body. An accident that I am quick to blame myself for. I want children one day and in order for that to happen, I need to find a more suitable mate. I've found a girl that likes me, is fertile, and is making plans for "us" but I need to break this woman's heart. She has placed her entire life in my hands, how do I dare crush her? It feels good to let this all out, I haven't been able to tell anyone. My family thought I stopped seeing her when I moved out, would they be proud that we're both sober now? No, they would ask me what the hell I'm thinking! I guess I'm looking for guidance, someone to assure me that she'll get through this rough time even though I know she may become suicidal. What kind of thing could I say? That I can't handle her now that she's sober...even though that's what I wanted? She only seems to leave the house when I beg her to go for a walk to see the park where we met. She'll never go for a walk again for fear she'll remember that tree where, 5 years ago a junkie gazed into a stoner's eyes and fell in love. How? How? How do I break my girlfriend's heart when it breaks my own????