Quote:
Originally Posted by Brown Owl
I've been seeing my T for about 3 months. We've talked quite a lot about the child neglect I experienced and about how hard emotions are for me. I find it much easier to talk about the past and really hard to talk about the present. I feel that given what we have discussed, and how hard I find it to talk to her, she must think how could I possibly do the job I do (which involves dealing with people, caring for others and being assertive) and that I must be terrible at it.
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I'm sorry to hear about the neglect you experienced. I don't know you or your T but I wonder if it's also possible that your T might see your present occupation in positive light. In other words, she might be in awe of your ability and resilience. Personally I would be if I saw someone who experienced abuse or difficult childhood and was able to find a way and not let those things stop the person from sharing their love and care with others.
As for your question about which I find easier, I think it depends. I think when I talk about the past, I'm left with both deep pain and also great joy. Either way they've become memories. Depending on what I recall, I can feel quite different. But I can't change it.
When it's about present, I am more likely to feel judged. Especially if I'm repeating the same behavior that we discussed and I feel shame and guilt for not being assertive or insulting my mom again or losing my temper with my dad or whatever it is. But at the same time I have more power in present. I can remind myself to take a deep breath next time. I can attempt to change things.