I feel kicked in my teeth for no reason. i used to tell myself i deserve pain and i want to suffer, so that i'll finally be able to end it all, but maybe it was a way of feeling in control: i was almost choosing pain. better choosing it than getting it for no reason. right?

In fact, when you're doing everything right, with the very best and sincere intentions, and then you still get slapped and punched from everywhere, it hurts, it feels unfair and it is maddening. i didnt ask for this! i dont want this! this makes no sense at all. why? and why now? do i really deserve all this?

its hurting hurting hurting.

and i do have people to blame for this but i cant, because if i let it out, i'll make my life even more miserable and their life too but i love them so i cant. and anyway, blaming doesnt solve anything. like screaming, getting mad, cutting, drinking, holding a grudge.... but then what? im trying venting... i dont know what else to do. im lost.

i am SO SO SO sick of getting kicked and of this sh*tty life. i've had enough. i dont know where to turn myself to anymore...