I went into my session yesterday feeling fine, transference the least it's been, in a joking mood ready to talk about why I hate feeling close to my T. After reviewing my week, we somehow ended up on the topic of my mom apologizing to me for not being the best mom. I don't even remember how it happened (and I usually remember everything). It surprised my T. as she never remembers me telling her about it. She locked eyes for me a long time and I instantly got the heartache/dread/longing feeling in the center of my chest that I do when my session isn't going to end well and know in between sessions will suck. That feeling lasted until the end when I said I know next week won't go well. She asked why and I said I have the horrible feeling that I usually get.
As she said what I should think about over the break, I could feel myself getting more and more mad/disappointed. I barely looked at her and played with a ring. At the end she asked what I was thinking and I said "I'm not going to think about those things and I don't want to leave". Then, she was trying to joke around with me as I left (which we do with each other) and I told her it wasn't funny. She asked what was wrong and I said I felt like she was mad or something. She said she wasn't and that I was bringing her into it.
And, as usual, I was. This was about my mom - she didn't do anything wrong but I was making it about her. So, I guess she triggered me? I felt so mad and frustrated when all she did was start asking me about the conversation between my mom and me. And, I can't figure out why that made the feeling start.
Thanks for "listening".