Today... I went and I am better than the last two weeks. Not easy but I am here...

I spoke to him about getting in my face and we both know the similarity between him and my dad.

We spoke also of trust issues and I tell him that I trust him most of anyone but still not all the way. He says that is o.k.. He also talks of how I could not trust my parents to take care of me and nurture me and how critical, etc... so that will be with me forever. I need to just be more aware of that.

I have always felt like a piece of s___ and have verbalized that repeatedly over years of therapy. I do not say that as much but he also told me today that that too will remain with me for life such that I really do not believe it when others speak well of me. I would like to get rid of that but... it is there in certain areas of my life.

Much to work on and ways to counteract myself.

My cats keep me feeling loved...one just jumped in my lap.. and that helps with hugs for both of us.

I did get some positive today... along with reality. I need both.

And yes I do expect to be rejected by others... in many avenues of my life and this is indeed the crux of alot of what is going on. I do not allow others close enough personally or professionally.

More work to do....

Thanks Raceka for your thoughts...

I also put notes on my computer and also when setting up passwords use words that remind me of my current goals or yes a positve attribute I have or want. It helps to remind me and keep me centered or focused.

So ... today is better...emotionally though a bit drained right now. Not regressed at the moment.