Today I reread my journal for the past 5 years, and I see the same patterns and feelings going round and round and never progressing. Really, I just feel my life is over. I have a few duties remaining, but nothing in particular to live for, no hope or purpose. Sure, I'll finish my class and probably my degree, just a couple more credits. I committed to it, so I'll do it. I'm reliable that way almost all the time. But I can't seem to get what I need in life, find a place where I can be part of something that matters, somewhere I belong. I feel so dark and hopeless. Sure, I always keep on trucking, but when I get down to how I feel in a deeper sense, it's pretty dark. Nothing I do goes anywhere that matters. Really, I should just do less. Do nothing. Just sit. Avoid commenting, criticizing, trying to make anything happen. What's been happening hasn't been working.

I am not sure how much sense this makes to anyone. Last month was very stressful, and the fallout is still around. Little things upset me easily. My feeling right now is I surrender.