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I don't know. I was always a smart kid. I was in the beta club, I did all kinds of tutoring programs to help other kids, I was in the rocket club. Until mental illness struck me. Then, I lost interest in it all. If I hadn't... who knows? Maybe I'd have stuck with the beta club and got a scholarship to some fancy school, the likes of which I can only dream of now. I try not to think about it. Strangely, it triggers my depression further because I blame myself a lot for not continuing down that path. I might have been heavily bullied for it, but oh, the things I could have done..
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I don't know where I would be...by some standards I am very high functioning...have full timr snd partime jibs, bachelors degree, kid, married...separated now...I do know that I might have had much healthier relationships with people who value me as da persin and dont have to control me ot put me down...might have gone much farther in my career-masters or above. Right now, I'm just glad I get up and function each day because many manys yrs ago, it took me all day just to get up! Get dressed!!
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I don't know how I made it thru college and a choppy work history of professional and menial work (engineering, cemetery worker, office cleaner). I was lucky I got all of that. I can't do anything anymore. I don't see family, etc. I had high hopes of playing music. I put a lot of time into music. I'm just happy now if I just get thru the day and no one gives me any hassles for no apparent reason. I'm just trying to enjoy basic things now and don't want to play games with people. (It doesn't matter what type of work you have there's always people making things difficult. I have plenty of stories*.)
Every Fall reminds me of school and how horrible I was functioning and the anxiety and the poor relationships. Embarrasses me.
(* I'm just rambling - I worked in a cemetery weed-eating 15 hrs/wk (Summer, 1996). I set up a funeral tent and broke it down and co-worker spit in the grave. (eg. It was a black funeral.) I went to Director and told him, my boss told Director he didn't see anything but was lying. Few days later I get ready to go home and my white car is badly dented in rear upper corner and car pushed sideways 8" on gravel road. Dent had green paint on it. Someone backed into car with (green) work truck and no one fessed-up to doing it.)