Thank you to the three of you for your comments and support. Very kind of you.

I'm trying to keep grounded in today. I've got plenty of distractions whirring around me today and tomorrow, so that is somewhat easier. I still find my mind slipping into the past. Going back to that night, that place, that room. I can almost feel it physically - not just see it. Does that happen to anyone else? It's no longer a fear that it will happen again or an anxiety response for safety... it's this deep, insatiable sadness that creeps in. This is when it all began. This is when everything changed for the worse.

I spent years trying to kill the 19 year-old me that was that girl. That incredibly naive girl that went out that night and didn't imagine that such things could occur. I'm still not a fan of that girl... but I've come to accept that the whole experience made me who I am today. I like who I am today when I'm not overcome with self-hatred for other things... or feel like I'm completely hopeless to ever be "normal" - or at least happy, joyous and free.

I don't now. I've just had so many experiences... too many. It feels like I'll never be free from this PTSD thing. That's why they gave me the C-PTSD. One too many traumatic experiences. In some cultures they say part of your soul breaks off when things like this happen. Well, my soul has been shattered so many times I lost track of how many pieces I need to find to be whole again.

So yeah... distractions help. This day will pass. This next week will pass. October will pass. And I won't have such a drastic calendar-year memory response until Jan/Feb. This will pass.

I say the words, but I don't feel it. It's like I'm breaking off more pieces of myself and leaving them scattered about the house. I hope that doesn't sound too crazy. I can smile and be present and happy and mostly authentic. But I'm also this incredibly sad, incredibly fearful, incredibly overwhelmed person. I'm both. I'm all. With very few people out there that are safe enough to know the whole me. Not one person in my family. No a single friend. No one sees the total picture of me. My therapist kinda sorta does.

But anyway - in today. Today will be okay. I can figure out the rest of my head another day, right?