this was in no way a long post and don't feel guilty about posting when you are hurting and need to reach out. that is what we are here for, to support you. if you need to pm, add me to your friends list. I would be happy to listen. I spent most of my life thinking about ending it for one reason or another and then always finding a reason to hang on. then the right meds, the rigjt t came along and I finally crawled out of that darkness that had surrounded me all my life. I know what it is like to have no hope but to search for it at the same time. hang in there and take care