I cleaned my house to keep myself sane. I am still having a hard time; not harming myself. I keep trying to tell myself; YOur kids are here; stop this now. My frustration and anger with all of this is taking over my mind and my will to survive. Is this his way of still controlling me; keeping me ill. I cant blame it on him but he seemed to be somewhat sincere when he said he would get the kids early. What is he up to? I put my guard down with him once again; and got stung. I do this all the time; the hope that things will change. But will the violent, controlling man that I was once married to; change his behaviors. No, I am kidding myself. See what I mean; my doctor telling me to be cautious.
He has done this so many times; why the hell dont I learn?? I am to the point of giving up; throw up the white flag so to speak, but I am fighting it in my head; dont know how much longer I can keep this up.

justy