I'm with her because I know nothing else. I'm 45 and this February will... would... should be our 25th anniversary. She was my first real love and I'm not sure how to live without her.

There's more to my situation than I told last night. Last night was a terrible woe is me night and I probably left out enough that attitudes towards my story will change. I do suffer from depression, obviously. A little on the deep end of it, but throw in a nasty case of bipolar.... which I do seem to have a little more control over, but when it dose come out... I can rage to the point of blacking out. I didn't believe her about this until she took video of me on her phone during one of my incidents. I was rude, i was vulgar thank God not violent. Physically anyway. Growing up as an abused kid has given me some morals. I know the verbal abuse is awful and uncalled for, but Ive never raised my hand to her or my kids.

Ive found a online therapist I kinda feel comfortable with to work on my mental problems. I go to DBSA meetings here and luckily its national and for the most part available in many areas I work, but she wants me to admit myself and be put on meds and Im so against the pills. Too many stories in group... and personally seeing the effects of someone playing musical chairs with your mind. I can't possibly cry anymore during a day than I already do. It gets bad enough i hyperventilate. A woman who seemed to be coping pretty well came in to group balling her eyes out and when asked what was wrong she replied her psych had switched her meds.

I'm totally freaking lost. My wife is more than a good person. She's been a great mother to my girls and put up with more crap from me than anyone should ever have to deal with. I'm quite lucky to still have her. I'm sorry at the time I posted I was in a me state of mind, but as always it's appreciated that one can find a person to relate here. Kinda like a second family that understands a lot more than the first one.