I need to vent. This will probably be kinda long. I just really need to get this out.

I'm an only child. My mom and I were very close and my dad was just around to do the "fun stuff" like air shows and stuff. Mom always did all the disciplining etc. Mom died when I was 20, and then I feel into my alcoholism. I was constantly broke then, because I could never hold a job. I'd ask for money here and there, I'll admit it, I was a big time moocher. I felt "entititled".

Then I got sober and got my life on track and was completely self supporting until my diagnosis of MS almost a year ago. Grandma has been supporting me while I wait on disability. I'm forever in search of some sort of part-time work that will allow for my fits of exaustion, and allow me to take Grandma to all her appointments, etc.

Anyway, long story short, I had to ask my dad for help with money yesterday. I had some unexpected expenses come up, and was going to loose my internet. So I emailed him and asked for help. He's going to help but I have to pay him back when I get my tax refund.

He's always telling me to ask for help when I need it, but then when I least expect it, he goes off on me. The email last night said he's help me and then continued to say that "i know you're hurting but you need to get off your *** and get a job"....."quit mooching off of grandma"......."why haven't you pushed the disability people?"

He's seen me maybe 5 times in the last year. He doesn't know what my days are like. He doesn't see the exaustion, the pain, the weakness, the emotional ups and downs, the anxiety attacks I'm now getting. He doesn't know about my struggles trying to get on AD's. He doesn't know %#@&#! and he's throwing guilt in to the help he offers.

I forget that this is what he does....he makes me think he's going to be a father and then he does this....every time. I need to accept that he'll never be proud of me.

I'm just so sad today......so so sad. Chewin away on my nicotine gum. Its day 3. I can't believe I haven't run out and gotten smokes over this. BF was great last night, let me sob on the phone, and told me he's here for me now.

Anyway.....who else has issues with not getting a father's love? I know it could be so much worse, and I know I need to be grateful to have a father who is willing to help, I know there are much worse situations I could be in, but I'm hurting.

Words?

Rayna