Hi all,

I posted a bit here a year and a half ago, but can't remember my old username

Anyway, I had to leave my T of 1.5 years when I moved city. Since then I've tried two new Ts. One I couldn't trust, each session I found I could talk to him less and less. So I took a break. Am now trying a new T, but after 3 sessions I've hit exactly the same problem.

The issue, I guess, is what my old T called childhood emotional abuse, but sometimes I can see it as that, sometimes I can't, and it's not something I've ever said to anyone except on forums. I feel like I ought to talk about it in therapy now, I feel like my T is getting frustrated because I refuse to say anything at all about my childhood. Last session I felt really scared, and kind of froze, and kept avoiding questions (about lots of things, not just childhood), and giving really vague answers, and making jokes, and not showing her any of my feelings.

During the session I felt exhausted. Afterwards I felt child-like and vulnerable - I hid under the covers, made hot chocolate and read harry potter. Doing the laundry felt like a massively complex and difficult task, which I had to gently talk myself through.

When new T asks me questions and I freeze, I think it's the same reaction I give to my mum. She (my mum) is quite intrusive, needs to know everything about me and doesn't have much sense of tact or privacy. She's also critical. I guess I've learnt all these defenses to protect myself from that.

In a way it seems way too soon, but my health insurance won't pay for many sessions, and apparently this T is really good but I can't really afford her without the health insurance (though could use savings for a while if it were worthwhile). I'm scared what will happen when it runs out if I've become too dependent on her.

Also, I think I'm really angry with my old T for leaving me (though for the most part I left him, but I wanted to continue with skype/phone sessions and he didn't).

I don't know whether to give up with therapy for a while, or whether to keep trying. I'm really scared about the amount of pain and confusion I'll feel if I do talk to her - when I talked about this stuff with old T I had suicidal thoughts. I'm also really scared about the end of therapy, being left without support.

Should I talk to her, or give up for now? If I do talk to her, how can I do that- it doesn't even really feel possible at the moment.