Hi,

I've posted on this topic several times before, so apologies in advance for bringing up the same theme yet again. But my problematic relationship with my parents is something that I find hard to get past. Also the community here normally gives excellent and sensitive advice which I value greatly.

To summarise very briefly my parents are and always have been controlling and toxic. These days I live quite a long way apart from them geographically. I also try to limit the number of times that I speak with them over the phone, since (depending on their mood) they still attempt to control me by various subtle means. Also their general outlook and values are so different to mine. That wouldn't be a problem if they allowed me my right to have different views, but they don't, instead they try to force their opinions and values on me. I don't do that with them and I find it hard to take that they should disrespect me by doing this. This week, work has been unusually taxing and stressful for me. I have quite a lot of responsibility and pressure in my job. Normally I enjoy the role, but this week it's been a bit too much as I've been put under great pressure by my boss. But that's not something that I could talk to me parents about and get the benefit of any carefully thought out advise. Although they are 25 years older than me they are far less mature in their outlook. Also they have preconceived views on most matters and wouldn't really hear (or for that matter actually care) about what I had to say. Additionally they would bring their own agenda into the conversation. That agenda normally focuses on what would be best for them. Finally talking to them my personal affairs draws them closer and I don't want that. So these days I don't divulge any personal details to them. Years of negative experience have taught me that's a bad idea. Anyway I really didn't feel like talking with them today. Also I feel that it's better for them and for me if I can ween them off the idea that I will always call at predefined intervals. They shouldn't be so dependent on me, they should make a life for themselves. At the moment whenever I "fail" to call by my normal time, they text. The text arrives within 1 hour of the time they expected me to call. Their excuse for this is normally something along the lines of "wondering if something bad has befallen me". But I'm a man in my mid 30's and I live about 200 miles from them, so what could they do if I wasn't o.k.? The logic of the argument is flawed on anther level also since if I had been ran down by a car, for example, I wouldn't be in any position to respond to an sms anyway. No, the truth is if something actually happened to me, I'd have to fend for myself. In reality their messages are a prompt for me to phone; a "gentle" reminder, least I should forget them, as if, lol. Today they were much more pushy. Their reply to me implied that they now expect to receive a call next week. How an I break free of their control? I feel like they are still chaining me down even now I am a grown man with my own independent life and my own responsibilities? I'm ashamed to say this, but I'm still afraid of displeasing/disobeying them. Sorry about the very negative/agitated tone of this email, but with problems at work I'm not dealing with things as calmly and rationally as I should be doing. Can anyone advise me on how to deal with this particular problem? Additionally could anyone advise on how to get past problems caused by toxic parenting? I have sought a referral to a counsellor on a couple of occasions now. But generally I think that their waiting lists are exceptionally long or that they don't have the budget and so don't action it. In any case I don't have a lot of time to attend counselling at the moment. Are their any steps I could take on my own to finally put this problem behind me? It seems to follow me about like a shadow in everything I do. It would be so nice to hear from other people who are experiencing similar problems. Thanks a lot!